Riza Needs Coffee!
by Frostwolf96
Summary: Riza Hawkeye is tired after days of work and little sleep, so she happens to fall asleep while talking with Roy Mustang. Roy thinks she needs medical help, and so he send Edward Elric to fetch her some coffee, but Edward runs into some obstacles.
1. The Z's!

"I still don't see why Black Hayate can't just put up with a cat. It's not like every cat he meets will want to shred him!" Roy complained, yet again.

Riza rubbed her eyes with one hand, the other brushing against her newly and reluctantly acquired miniskirt. Very reluctantly. "You already have three of them. You've got food, a litter box, toys."

"Exactly! With three of Alphonse's little beasties, I can't afford to own another!" exclaimed Roy.

"Cats never like Black Hayate. You know that from the last time you tried to make me take one." Riza sighed wearily. "Let's sit down."

They walked through the courtyard of Central to a little bench. And sat on it. Roy continued to argue. "You don't know that this one will be that way. And you know I'm right, I can't pay for four cats. And the other men already get on me for the smell. Besides, this cat might not get along with my three. If you would help me pay, I might…" Roy bantered on for a while, and when Riza didn't comment on anything he said, he looked over at her. Her head drooped to rest on her chest, and her shoulder slumped. "Riza? Riza?" He shook her shoulders, and she mumbled in annoyance, but did not wake. "No! No! Riza!"

Looking frantically around the courtyard, he spotted Edward Elric, who had just emerged from the building. "Fullmetal! Come here!" Looking down at the slumbering Riza, he said, "She needs medical help! Get her some coffee! And make sure it's not de-caf! Hurry, her time is short!" Upon the last word, he looked up at the elder Elric brother.

Edward instantly flew into a rage. "WHY DO YOU LOOK AT _ME_ WHEN YOU SAY SHORT! I AM NOT!"

"There's no time for this!" Roy shouted angrily. "She's deathly ill!"

Ed calmed and took on a sort of, 'Whatever. Anyway…' attitude. "What with?"

"The Z's! Z's! Zzzeeeeeeeeeeee!"

At these words, Edward became extremely distressed. "Zzzzeeeeeeeeeeee!" he cried. "El hombre con el sombrero el nos envio!"

"El nos conto muchas historias asombrosas!" Roy replied.

"Bling bling bling!"

Then both men gave a creepy, articulated laugh: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Ed scurried away, then ran into the building. Not into, like, smashed his face on it. Into, as in, entered.


	2. Armstrong on Coffee

Edward halted just inside the building. "Coffee, coffee, coffee! Where do I find the coffee? He then began to run randomly down random hallways.

After dashing frenziedly about with no clue where he was going, he paused in frustration and pulled at his hair. "Gaaaahh! Where?" Noticing Black Hayate shuffling around with his nose by the ground, Edward gasped in realization. A light bulb materialized over his head, then fell on top of him. Edward scowled at it, kicked it, then grinned again with his new idea. Dropping to all fours, he shoved his face at he ground and inhaled. Sifting through the smells, he picked up the scent of coffee, and began to follow it. Black Hayate tailed behind him in interest.

Edward soon became distracted. The scent of cookies was mingling with that of coffee, and he resisted the temptation, but failed horribly. Following the new smell, he soon bumped into a man's shins, and Black Hayate nearly bumped into him. Sniffing, he detected the odors of shoes and socks. But not feet. Why was that? Hmm. The man must have no feet. Yes, that was it. Edward nodded, satisfied with this answer. Looking up, he yelled and scrambled backwards. Hohenheim of Light towered over him, holding a towel-covered tray.

"Ed, I am your father." Hohenheim intoned. "Join the dark side, because… we have cookies." Whipping the towel off of the tray, he revealed a batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

"Nyaaeahaaghaaa!" screamed Edward, who jumped to his feet and ran down the hall. Peering back over his shoulder, he saw Black Hayate accept a cookie from Hohenheim, then look up at Ed with yellowish eyes sunken in grayish sockets, with gleaming red pupils. "No! Black Hayate, how could you!"

Sprinting around the corner, Ed threw himself to the ground and picked up the coffee scent. Bustling awkwardly, he followed it. Just as the fragrance grew strong enough to tell Edward that he was near the coffee, he heard maniacal laughter. Drawing closer, he felt the ground vibrating. He came upon a door. The door. The door! The door, which can see into your mind! The door can see into your soooouuuulll!

Opening said door, Edward was met with a terrifying sight.

Lying on his back in a pool of coffee-colored coffee, shirtless, giggling demonically, mustache stained with coffee, curl bobbing frantically, muscles vibrating, hundreds of sparkles threatening to suffocate his face, was Alex Louis Armstrong.

"Aaahahahaha! Ha ha! Ha! Haaaaa! NO! NOO! NOT THE DIAPER! HEEHEEHEE! Lion say ROAR! DOUGH!"

A stream of nonsense continued to issue in an incredibly fast and somewhat high-pitched voice from Armstrong's mouth, which was actually open! Edward glanced nervously around the room. Coffee splattered everything like blood at the scene of a murder. A couch lined the wall to his right, with a small table next to it. A neat little carpet lay on the floor. A desk and chair sat in the corner by the couch. On a table against the opposite wall, Ed spotted the coffee. Stacks and stacks of cardboard cups with plastic lids covered the table.

Pulling out his silver State Alchemist watch, he lifted it to his mouth and spoke into it. "Target in sight, over."

A voice issued from the watch. "Any obstacles, over." Roy replied.

"Armstrong, over."

"I don't see how that is an obstacle, over."

"Armstrong plus coffee, over."

There was a pause.

"Oh."

Another pause.

"I'm going in, over." Edward said. At this point, it appeared that Armstrong had caught sight of his bouncing curl, and was attempting to catch it in his mouth.

"Please! Pleeeeeaase!" Armstrong pleaded, then jerked his head upward and back, trying to catch his hair. "Pleeease, I want to eat you!" Another jerk of the head. "Nooo! PLEEEEEASE! PLEEEEAASE!"

Edward edged cautiously along the wall to his left.

"I'm a piranha!" Armstrong declared, then clacked his teeth together loudly. "I EAT HAIR! AHHHH!"

Edward reached the corner.

"Creeeeak, creeeeak, creeeeak, creeeeak." Armstrong had curled into a ball and grabbed his knees, and was now rocking back and forth on his spine while making sound effects. He fell over. "Cree-clunk!"

Edward slid along the other wall.

"I KNOW THE SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES! EVERYBODY'S NERVES!" Armstrong bellowed, loud and out of tune. He still lay on the ground where he had fallen, curled in a ball. "I KNOW THE SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

Edward made it to the second corner.

"Cheese and pickles and onions and oranges and beef and beansandpotatoesand

_CLOUDSANDGALAXIESANDPIE!_" shrieked Armstrong, voice increasing in speed and volume. "Sir Bedivere, the Wise! Sir Lancelot, the Brave! Sir Galahad, the Pure! Sir Robin, the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir Lancelot!" Armstrong collapsed in a fit of squeaky, high-pitched giggles.

Edward crept cautiously along the wall toward the coffee. Closer, closer…

"I'm a, I'm a, I'm a… I'm a… I…." Armstrong gasped, panted, and began to wheeze noisily. "Nooooo!" he cried, and took several raspy breathes. "Needz… morez… COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Edward cringed beside the table and braced himself.

"AAAAUUUGH!" Armstrong staggered to his feet and lumbered to the table. Crashing into the wall, inches from Edward, he grabbed a cup of coffee and clutched it tightly. "Myyyyy precioouuussss!" Armstrong hissed. Tearing off the lid and raising the cup to his lips, he downed it in approximately .83 seconds. He cackled and snatched another one.

Edward watched in awe as Armstrong gulped down cup after cup, diminishing the stacks of coffee to nearly half the previous size.

Armstrong stood still for a moment after he was done. Energy seemed to gather in him. His lips stretched in a creepy smile, and his eyes grew wide, and Edward could see a truly demented gleam in them. Armstrong began to vibrate more strongly, until the edges of his figure became blurred, and the vibrations were audible as a thin hum. The hum changed to a whine, higher and sharper. A giggle boiled up to Armstrong's mouth. The whine kept getting louder and increasing in pitch. Edward grabbed a cup of coffee from the pile – it was quite obviously not de-caf – and ran for the door.

"He's gonna blow!" Edward screeched. Just as the whine reached its climax, raucous cackling exploded from the room. Sounds of devastation were heard from within. Armstrong was apparently bouncing of the walls. Quite literally. Armstrong began babbling again, but it was too fast and high-pitched to understand. The noise became muffled. Armstrong had rolled himself up in the carpet. The noise became louder again. Crashes indicated that the furniture was being thrown around the room. The chair to the desk flew out of the door and gouged a hole in the wall, prompting Edward to leave.


	3. Riza is Saved!

On his way back to Riza, he made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in a dark, dank, dingy, dirty, dusty alley. He turned to leave, but out of a nowhere a coffee mug came flying at him. Twenty more followed suit. Ed cried out and fell to the floor as more sailed through the air to land hard upon his person. Cans of Mug soda were added to the barrage, some opened and some not. The opened ones sloshed root beer all over everything, and the unopened ones either bruised him or exploded, littering the ground with bits of jagged aluminum. A glass coffee mug hit the ground and shattered, spraying shards of glass, which cut poor Edward, who was already being cut by the pieces of torn aluminum. Staggering to his feet, he ran from the alley back into Central, still being pelted by mugs and cans.

Escaping, Edward leaned against a wall and panted, dripping soda onto the floor. One of Mustang's cats appeared in a poof of sparkly smoke and began to lap it up. Regaining his breath, Ed jogged purposefully down a hall.

Staggering into the courtyard, Ed heard Roy saying to Riza, "Don't go into the light!" before looking up at Edward. "You got it! Good work, man."

Edward crouched beside Riza, who was now lying on the ground with Roy kneeling next to her. Roy examined him, bruised, bleeding, and soaked in root beer.

"What happened to you?"

Ed glanced up. "I got mugged."

"How terrible!" Roy exclaimed, then turned his attention back to Riza.

Edward removed the lid from the cup of coffee, and poured some of the precious liquid into Riza's mouth, who gurgled and swallowed it. He kept drizzling it into her mouth until there was none left. They waited.

After a few minutes, Roy cried out in anguish. "No! NOO! NOOOO! RIIIZAAAA!" He sobbed and shook her.

At this shake, Riza woke from her exhaustion-induced sleep. "Geauaghhaguhhh…" she grumbled, batting at the annoyance that was Roy. "What are you doing?"

"Riza?" Roy gasped. "Riza!" He hugged her.

"Ahh! Stop it!" She squirmed away. "What the heck?"

"You had the Z's." Ed informed her.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, how awful."

Edward opened his mouth, then closed it, and looked at the ground. Opening it again, he said solemnly, "Riza, I'm sorry about this, but…" He paused. "I'm afraid Black Hayate… has joined the dark side."

Riza gasped, her eyes wide with shock and hurt. All three people remained silent in mourning for this horrible loss. Then Edward recalled his encounter with Armstrong.

"I think maybe we should go and subdue Armstrong. He was wreaking havoc in that room, last I saw."

"Wreaking Havoc?" Roy asked, confused.

"Yes, wreaking havoc!"

"How do you wreak Havoc?"

"By wreaking havoc! Duh!"

"But… No! How…?

Riza rolled her eyes again. "Wreaking havoc: creating devastation or chaos."

Roy still looked confused. "But… That doesn't…" Then the light of comprehension dawned in his eyes. "I see!" he whispered. "I get it!"

There was an awkward silence in which Riza stood, finding the ground uncomfortable.

"Anyway," Edward said, "I think he needs help."

Roy nodded decisively. "Yes."


End file.
